The title of this blog is from those sick ads that are EVERYWHERE. Ewww.
My name is Ashley. This blog is basically inactive, but if there is any content, rest assured that it is honest and that i feel every branch and spine of every letter of every word of every idea. (Unless you happen to chance upon a misfortunate typo.)
no love lost (i'm not even listening to this song)
So it's 2012 now.
I don't know why i just did that, but i deleted like 900 posts off here. I don't know why i would do that, because usually i'm sentimental about this stuff. I'm kind of sad that it's all gone, actually, even though i'd never read it. I don't know. Just imagine, reams and reams of 14-year-old garbage, all gone and lost forever. They say what's on the internet is eternal, but i don't think anyone could be bothered to keep my garbage. And even if they did keep it, i don't see any purpose.
I've deleted every single post except the last one, which i wrote at the end of last year, feeling sentimental leaving RGS. Today is May 5th, and i've been in JC since February. It's the Saturday of a long weekend. I don't know how i spent my day. I'd like to say you should excuse my strange behaviour, and that i'm just feeling a little off today, but truth be told, i'm always feeling a little off. I'm always out of it. I'm always in this peculiar mood. I'm always excusing myself for being terrible because i feel terrible. "I'm sorry, i'm grumpy, i didn't mean that," shouldn't and doesn't cut it. "Oh god, i'm going mad," is getting old. I don't know. I don't know why i'm even posting.
It's just 2012 now.
Today, i watched this video like 20 times.
And now i'm listening to Joy Division.
I'm realizing more and more that i know nothing and have nothing and that all the somethings in my life are so ephemeral and they can slip away so fast and so silent. I never thought anyone would leave. It feels like they've left.
I know i'm just 17. You probably think i'm being pretentious or precocious or presumptuous or whatever. You probably think all my issues are exaggerated and/or made up. You probably think all this means absolutely nothing. You probably think i've never met a real hardship or struggle. You probably think i've never been broken or hurt. You probably think i should have better things to do. You probably think something awful and terrible. You probably think this is a mood. Okay. Me too.
There's always been something liberating about putting things on the Internet. I've never had the patience to read through the self-righteous/self-depreciating/self-pitying/self-centred bullcrap of my peers (if you are my peer, then congratulations! You've got phenomenal patience!) and so it's always felt like even if people read, they're not particularly interested. I think it's just the fact that it's there. All these inner workings of my young soul are published and accessible to any nobody or somebody.
Today i changed my tumblr theme and the stuff on my page. I don't even use my tumblr so i don't know why i did that. It's now titled, "hyperpassive", and i've got this blurb for my bio: "too young to be getting older but we can't stand and fight". I feel so old, and i feel so fucking stupid for feeling old. Every moment, i wish i didn't have to be a moment older. It's like the perpetual, pervasive ticking, at the back of it all.
I never want to talk again, but i can't stop the words. The less i want to talk the more words i find leaking out of me. The more i beg myself to shut the fuck up the more i think of things to say, and i hate every word out of my mouth.
I never want to blog again, but i probably will. Maybe i will update this regularly, then when i get sick of myself i'll just stop again.
The thing that annoys me about these sorts of blog posts is that they never really have any purpose, or structure, or organization. There is no want for rhetoric, even though there is plenty of room. I need some rhetoric in my life.
I shouldn't be listening to Joy Division because it just makes me feel so much more raw when i'm in this state. I shouldn't be blogging. I shouldn't be in my room. I shouldn't have a computer or watch TV. I shouldn't eat rubbish. I shouldn't randomly skip meals. I shouldn't let my erratic emotions have so much power. I shouldn't judge people for getting better without me.
This is why i shouldn't keep a blog. I'm getting more and more sombre, and i've just spent way too much time here. You've got that much discipline, ash. You should just stop.
YOURS, 10:40 PM
Sunday, November 6, 2011
So it's 2011 now, and everyone is old. We've graduated from RGS and I should be frudumping down the stairs to get my 实用文 book so I can study Chinese and go to sleep peaceful and maybe get some real rest.
I just feel like blogging, okay. It's been a sentimental week. I've told myself time and time again that I'm not the sort of person that should keep a blog, even though I want to. This one time I will concede. This photo was taken a week ago, 9 days to be specific, but it feels like a month has passed. As you can probably tell, it's a magical photo. I wish I had more photos of my pretty friends but I don't have a lot. I am very tired. I am also awfully precocious.
Saturday is the ACS Barker Carnival. I kind of promised Elizabeth I would go with her. I'm kind of ditching her to spend time with half my Nanyang rejects. Wait it's just the three of us, right? I just assumed, I'm not sure why. Need to stop doing that ditching thing. She never told me when it was, okay :( There is no Alethea in that photo because I don't know where to find a nice one of us and I really love this photo. I look like rubbish in the rest, okay! I think every group needs at least one camera person, and at least one vain one, so we all will have colours marking out pixels or inks and pretty friends forever. That was totally incoherent but never mind. Anyway, that was pretty much the only time we ever took photos. Oh, that's an idea!
How about that! Why is this bum leaving. Why. Why. I don't even know what to say because she talks and talks and talks and then I talk but she never runs out of things to say. She is the best Nanyang reject for two reasons. First, she isn't actually from Nanyang. Second, she's going to Hwa Chong.
Or maybe we don't, because this group has a lot of cameras and plenty more photos, and I'm pretty sure this is taken on Dan's phone camera. Not bad haha. This was a really long time ago. See what I said about being precocious?
That's the closest thing I have to a family photo right now. We are magic. I want those photos from Kimmie's house. Family is so strange because my nuclear one drives me nuclear. But this one I've got (2 great huggers, 1 non-hugger and one alchdoglover that always hugs for longer than necessary... you do know that right? Hahahaha oooops.) keeps me warm. I wish I had a super nice photo of all of us but I can't think where to look at this moment. I also can't think of where to look for real family photos, but I did just (being a relative term) get back from my grandparents' place (you see what I did there with the "relative"). Basically, I did what I always do there. The original objective of the visit is always to fulfill a mealtime obligation. Tonight was dinner, obviously. If the vibe permits, I move slower than usual and I stick around. My grandmother feeds me, then my aunt feeds me. (My grandfather is upstairs. Sometimes he comes down and if he is grumpy, I smirk. If he is laughing I laugh.) Today we ate lotus seeds and oil-free koropok. My aunt babies her bulldog (who happens to be very sick right now) and my grandmother watches Channel 8 or Channel U. If it's a drama, I laugh at the cheesy music and bad camera technique, and my grandmother gets angry at the evil woman. When I laugh at her being angry, she looks at me, laughs, then points at the TV and says, "她很坏!" She says this in Chinese even though she can't speak Chinese properly. My aunt, being totally multilingual, freely corrects her Chinese and my Teochew, which is limited, and rare, besides. Today I also gave both of them shoulder and back massages, because apparently it's the only thing that I have 力 in.
Why does it feel like there's not enough time in the world? I think I'm going to bed. Thank you for hosting me tonight.